Tinseltown

A fictional travelogue; three minute read.

Dear Ben and Brittany,

From my hotel room, I can see the flashing red light atop the Capitol Records building spelling out “Hollywood” in Morse code.

There were so many times today that I wanted you here with me. We would have had so much fun.

Remember the General Motors factory tour in Kansas or the time we went to the Philip Morris tobacco plant in Virginia? Well, today I took the Paramount Studios tour.

Ever wonder how a phrase like “movie star” got started? Me neither, but the tour guide told us that actors are called movie stars because the Paramount logo—a silhouetted mountain top bounded by 22 stars—signifies the original 22 actors and actresses under contract to the studio back in the 1920s. Hence, “a movie star.”

Fact-check the guide for me? Prove her right or wrong, and when I get home, I’ll take out the garbage for you. Deal?

Next time you watch a movie with a boat captain battling the high seas, tell your friends the white caps are made by tossing detergent into a backlot swimming pool. I also found out that, to avoid poisoning the cast with carbon monoxide, passing cars on a city street are pushed by hidden stagehands.

And, sheesh, the stuff I learned about sound effects will blow your minds. For the shower close-up in Hitchcock’s Psycho, audio engineers repeatedly stabbed a casaba melon. For steamy sex scenes, the slurpy kissing sounds are dubbed by stirring mayonnaise with a spatula.

The wrenching sound of a breaking bone in a barroom fight is a celery stalk snapping. Going to the grocery is never going to be the same.

On one set, I rested against a brick wall and my hand dented it. It was just painted foam.

Brittany, you and I get goosebumpy watching the song and dance number in the musical Singing in the Rain. In the street scene with Gene Kelly, to make the rain more visible to the camera lens, it’s actually watered milk. Yuck.

Ben, is your favorite movie still The Godfather? Well, get this. Marlon Brando reads his lines from a cue card taped to another actor’s chest.

It’s not news that the movie industry depends on magic and mystery, artifice and trickery. Like hiding your dirty laundry under your beds when I ask if you’ve cleaned your rooms. Hey, maybe you two should start a movie studio.

Movies, magic shows and travel are entertainments where we pay to be deceived. We’re not allowed to view the world without its makeup.

I like being fooled (except about your messy rooms). What I don’t like is fooling myself into thinking movies are real life, or falling into the trap of measuring myself against the perfect people on screen. In real life, there aren’t any foam walls.

Enough about movie-making. What’s the news with you? Brittany, making progress on your college essay? When I get home, we can work on it together. Ben, is Mom bugging you about a summer job? Has she threatened you with beheading yet?

You are my Oscar winners. I’ll be home soon. I miss you all so much.

Love,

DAD (aka Tom Cruise)

P.S. If you’re up for the research bet, no fair using AI.

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